KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.