Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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oppen heimer style lol
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.