“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Good Morning.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
This pepper has seen some shit
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.