Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
A friend sent me this.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*