This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.