REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Only a mother’s love …
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.