You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
wtf is a larm clock?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum