Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
For the ones in the back.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”