Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.