Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
You Might Also Like
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.