WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
🤯🤯🤯
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD