I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Lmao
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.