[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
🤔😂😂
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
You have been warned.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the