[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song