Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon