Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo