Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally