[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*