Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
You Might Also Like
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.