MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.