Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry