i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…