About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
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i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no