“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Sunday
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.