My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
You Might Also Like
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I’m ready for Halloween this year
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money