A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“you changed” bro i was 15
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.