Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
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I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.