The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!