Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Happy Friday
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed