This probably isn’t good
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Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Happy Halloween 🎃
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.