Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: đź‘Ś
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget