If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Love it! 👍😂
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real