Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.