Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Nothing.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad