I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.