I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.