I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.