what day is it?
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Every work meeting this week
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time