Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Bro what is this
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.