* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”