When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Just got to our Airbnb!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother