I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.