-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*