Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better