I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.