I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father