My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.