When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention