Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
The sacred texts.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way