Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.